Does perception matter? As a leader, does the perception others have of you make a difference in terms of your effectiveness? Let’s put it this way, you as person or a leader will not be discussed or remembered in words that you write yourself.
You write your own resume. You may even be someone that has worded your own letter of reference (I hope you made that sound good). However, can you imagine standing in front of a group or peers or those you lead and saying something like “This is what you must believe about me,” or “When you talk to anyone else about me, I want you to say…” or “This is who I am, regardless of what I might do…”? That sounds ridiculous, right?
The scary part of that statement is that it’s really not far from reality for some leaders.I have indeed met more than a few leaders who somehow believe others should view them just as they view themselves and are truly out of touch with how they “show up” to other people. You have a view of yourself as a person and a leader. You know your intentions. You also likely know how you would like others to view you, a kind of “career” eulogy you would want read/spoken about you. So, how do you then show up?
Quite simply put, “How you show up” is a phrase used to describe how others perceive you in your role or in specific interactions. I use the word “perceive” but the truth is that how other people see you is the reality of who you are. The way you show up is not who you are, it is the result of the constant struggle with how you intentionally apply the pieces of who you are, your strengths and your weaknesses, to your present situation.
So, back to my original question – does perception matter? You may get a few accolades or promotions by delivering some very specific results that are tied to your own abilities. However, if you want repetitive success, and certainly any success in leading others, I am suggesting that you put thought and intention into how you show up to others.
Who you are – The way you want to show up
“Who you are” is a combination of your personality traits, the values that you are committed to upholding, and your resulting behavior. There are many tools available to you in terms of giving insight into your basic personality traits and tendencies (e.g., PI-Predictive Index, CI-Culture Index, DISC profile assessment, Myers-Briggs personality assessment). You may know the personality profile such a tool spit out and have given that some thought. Hopefully, you have also looked hard in the mirror (reflection from others back to you) to gain insight. Either way, I am talking about some level of “self-awareness,” some true awareness of your strengths and weaknesses.
For example, I know that one of my strengths is the use of my intuitive thinking to recognize solutions or make decisions. Yet at the same time, I know that I sometimes frustrate others that work with or for me because I don’t, or can’t, explain the details of my thinking and the steps that led to my decision. Knowing both this strength and related weakness goes a long way in helping me understand how I need to show up (during discussions regarding decisions) to create a more positive impact.
I also know that I am extremely extroverted when on stage (whether speaking at a conference or singing in a restaurant) or in well-developed one-to-one relationships. However, I am actually more “introverted” in terms of my overall personality at a large party or in terms of widening my circle of intimate, close friendships. So, before attending some party where it is important to mingle and network, I have to create an intentional plan of action to overcome this weakness.
How about you? Do you know your personality strengths and weaknesses and those predictive tendencies that might come into play in various situations or in your overall role at work or home?
The purpose of this post is not to dive deeply into all the possibilities here on who you are, but to simply make the point that before we actually “show up” at home or at work, regardless of what role is required in that situation, we all start with our own view that I am calling “the way you want to show up,” that self-written career eulogy I was referring to earlier.
Who you need to be – The way you need to show up
I mentioned that I am comfortable speaking in front of an audience. Anyone who has spent much time in from of a live audience, especially when speaking to entertain, education, or train, knows that one of the “arts” of speaking is the speaker’s ability to read the audience. The “great” speaker can capture the energy of a live audience and engage that audience to create a positive learning experience. The great speaker is an artist in terms of adapting material, tone, pace, inflection, and his/her own energy to engage the audience.
I use this metaphor as an introduction to this section regarding whom you need to be or “the way you need to show up.” I am not advocating that you consider what superficial “face” to put on to manipulate those around you. I am not asking that you alter your behavior so that people will like you. I am also not asking you to pretend to be something you are not. Like a great speaker has learned how to adapt to achieve the best outcome, the way you need to show up is about your ability to assess the current role and/or specific situation, and to truly recognize what is needed for the most positive and beneficial outcome for you and those you work with or lead.
The “role”
One way to look at the way you need to show up is by role. You play many roles in your professional and personal life such as leader, team member, husband, parent, coach, etc., and each of these roles may require a different awareness and adaptation of our strengths and weaknesses.
For example, heading into an executive coaching session (my executive coach role), I make sure that I spend just a few seconds reminding myself of a few key behaviors that I need to exhibit that may or may not occur naturally without that intention. I remind myself to ask questions and probe to create self-discovery, instead of my natural tendency of just offering an answer or solution. That one is hard for me.
What about a role at home? How much thought have you given to the role of being a father or mother? There is a very cute commercial on the air now where a father comes to the nursery door and tells his infant son “I’m going to need the day off. I’m sick.” Right, like that is an option. Whether it is dragging your sick self out of bed to care for your child, whether it is blowing off your child when they are excited to see you but you are just too tired, or whether you demonstrate (or fail to demonstrate) that unique parental patience as your child asks “why” over and over again, you are “showing up” as the parent your child sees and experiences.
The “situations”
Beyond those roles, there are situations, or specific types of interactions, that require you to be intentional in terms of how you show up. Since your strengths tend to appear easily, the situations that deserve special consideration are those where you know you must be intentional about overcoming your weaknesses.
An example might be group meetings. You may know that you have a tendency to speak first, speak more often than others, or not listen to others with your full attention. Before you start or participate in such a meeting, you will have to be intentional about self-monitoring, drawing others into the conversation, and listening more effectively and attentively before you speak.
If you show up the same for all situations, even those where your weaknesses will be a roadblock, then either (a) you are very aligned in terms of who you are and your situations (your strengths and weaknesses really match all situations), or (b) you actually just show up in an accidental and unintentional way, more of the bull in the china shop approach.
Giving thought to how you need to show up for specific roles or specific situations, and creating intention about how you want to show up, allow you to connect who you are (personality and tendencies) with what is needed (applying your strengths and weaknesses) to have a positive and fruitful experience.
The following is a quote from the actress, Eliza Dushku –
“I wake up and play a different person every day. Playing all these different characters and trying to figure out who your true authentic self is at the core of that as you’re playing all these different roles, and man, that self-awareness starts to come into effect. And you start to see who you really are.”
While she is talking about playing roles as an actress, she makes a very relevant point. When you begin the journey of connecting who you are and how you need to show up, you start expanding self-awareness and the longer you do this, the more it becomes a natural activity. You start to put thought and intention into practice as a natural combination of self-awareness and attentiveness to your surroundings, just as the great speaker is able to engage an audience without conscious focus on those mechanics.
The real you – The way you will show up
When you seriously take on the task of gaining self-insight to your natural state and tendencies, to fully commit to your values, and to use your senses and common role expectations to understand how you need to show up, the result is an intention as to how you will show up – the real you. The difference is that now how you will show up is no longer an accident that you cannot repeat, or so dependent on your tendencies without discipline, or a series of reactions to others. Instead, “how you will show up” is intentional, thoughtful, and powerful.
There is a short poem written by William Arthur Ward that goes like this:
“Every person has the power to make others happy.
Some do it simply by entering a room;
others by leaving the room.
Some individuals leave trails of gloom;
others, trails of joy.
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others, trails of love and harmony.
Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;
others, trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others, trails of gratitude and hope.
What kind of trails do you leave?”
How they will show up
I would be remiss not to point out one last significant side-benefit of this thought process. If you are responsible for hiring and managing individuals, this process should include you asking the question “how will they, or do they, show up?”
The relationship between an individual’s personality traits and tendencies and the role you are asking them to take on in a job is quite significant. In fact, this is the very purpose of tools like the PI and CI mentioned above. These tools provide some objective assessment data that may give you some hints as to the possible comfort or discomfort one may exhibit in a role based on their personality traits, how well a person matches the general role, and how one views himself/herself.
Whether you use a tool or use the interview itself, my point is that it is worth the time to evaluate how a candidate or an existing employee shows up. Are they self-aware of their strengths and weaknesses? Do they show up in a way that is consistent with what is required in the role? Are they showing up in a way that is dramatically different than how they portray themselves? Are they showing up in a way that is consistent with your core values and/or your company core values?
Last Thoughts
Are there some significant ways individuals, especially leaders, show up that should be universal? Based on my experience in hiring, managing, and collaborating with people for 30+ years, and also just living in this world with other people, I do believe that for a healthy, safe, and productive working environment or home, there may indeed be a few ways that you can show up that will create more opportunity for you to succeed (for related content, see “The Five Keys to Being Human…“). These include:
- Honesty/Integrity (you are who you are, you keep your word, you speak truthfully and with transparency)
- Humility (demonstrating you know you are a work in progress, you do not take yourself too seriously – you realize that every person has equal value and you treat them that way)
- Kindness/Compassion for others (even in / and especially in conflict)
- Humor and Celebration (you can laugh freely and often at life and you can vigorously celebrate with and for others – you cheer them on)
- Listen First/Speak Later (you demonstrate with your ears, your eyes, and your body that you are intent on hearing others – this shouts “you are my equal”)
- Dependable (you demonstrate that you give your all to doing what you say you would do, even in failure there is no doubt that your intent was completion of the promised task)
So, in the end, am I saying this is all about being a “good” person? No, that is not my intent. However, I am talking about being a human being that others respect, want to be around, work with, and follow. Other factors like education, background, experience, intelligence, skills, training, luck, and opportunity will all certainly play a major role in where you land in life, but in terms of the “trail” that you leave on people and on life, the above list, along with your willingness to be intentional as to “how you will show up,” matter much more!
